"It was a battle. The bad overdoing the good. It was living, although most of the time it feels so much like dying. I was empty. Not exactly broken, but not exactly intact either. I was clouded with sad emotions. Always feeling alone. Never good enough. Never worthy. Still, no one understands. Not even one. Because you'll never really know the things I really feel unless you felt them yourself."
and if you clicked the links or you wanna see my older posts,
go back to andwhenshesmiles to view them. :)
this is like when you’re sitting with someone that you really like then you like touch knees or something and all of a sudden you feel all this energy going through both of you through this one point of contact
this gif is kinda like that
This will forever be my favorite gif
oh god i can’t handle the colors chosen for this
My bestfriend-slash-cousin’s room! It’s still a work in progress but I’m totes sure that it’s going to be wonderful. 😘 I just love how she’s so artistic!
When I was in high school, I used to get everything I want and make things go the way I want them to without working that much to make it happen. Yes, it’s probably insane to admit, but I really did. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but it seems as if I really did have it easy before. Someone once even confessed to me that she was envious of me. She had to do her best and work her hardest, but I, who doesn’t even try, always get the top bunk. She said that no matter how hard she tries, I always beat her so effortlessly. At the time it doesn’t make much sense to me, but now as I look back on life, I realized that she was actually right.
Before, I go to school at 9:00 A.M. even if school starts at 7:00 A.M., therefore I end up always missing my first class. I usually just go to school early if I knew we will be having quizzes on our first period. Still, I manage to get high scores even if I missed the class discussions. I pass all the requirements needed for school, but I don’t give my 100% into it. When exams are coming up, I study only the weekend before it. Still I get to be a legit Valedictorian. I had to juggle with keeping my social life intact and my grades up, but I manage to have the both do so well. In fact, I deal with it so easily. Back then, I was just pure thankful that I do, but right now it’s as if I feel bad that I get everything without doing much when the person who tries her hardest, doesn’t.
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. When I started college, I was practically that person: the easy-go-lucky, doesn’t try her hardest, just-go-with-the-flow kind of student. Since I was, yeah, used to having things go my way, I wasn’t putting much effort into school. And so I ended up struggling to keep my grades up. For the first time in my life, I got really scared because of my class standing. Before, I told myself that I didn’t mind at all if I get bad grades. But when I was on the verge of having it, I suddenly panicked. I realized that I actually do mind. I got scared because I knew that I was class Valedictorian, and I had to live up to impossible standards just because of that reputation. Everybody, my family included, is expecting a lot from me. In addition to that, I had to meet the 83% and above quota of my course, plus I have the qualifying exams to worry about. What sucks more is that if I don’t meet the ration or if I don’t pass the said test, I’d be disqualified from my course. That, plus the baggage the world keeps expecting for me to lift, equals overloading pressure. The thought of failing and ending up disappointing those I care about, that got me. That’s what scared me. I wasn’t used to this. I wasn’t used to trying hard just to get what I want. I wasn’t used to being afraid because of my grades. I wasn’t used to be subjected into this kind of pressure even if it’s probably mostly self-inflicted.
So since I can’t take any more of this, just recently I decided to shift out of my course whether I pass or fail. I’ve already made up my mind; that whatever happens, I’m done with Accounting. But even if I’ve already chose to change paths, still I told myself that I won’t go down without a fight. I studied really hard for our final exams, spending most of my nights scribbling through yellow worksheets, solving tricky problems and answering theory questions. This may probably be exaggerated but I think it was the first time in my life that I worked that hard. Well, at least it felt like it. So I went and answered what I thought was the last accounting exam that I’ll ever be taking, and waited to let the chips fall where they may. That same night, our professor posted our final grades on our Facebook group, with the breakdown of the scores included. I opened it and saw that I actually got into the 88% and higher bracket. I looked into the breakdown of the scores and lingered to the column where the grades of the final exam are. To my surprise, I got a 90 in the 100-item test. I scrolled down to look at my classmates’ scores, realizing that I actually topped our final exams. Just when I made up my mind that I’m done with my course, this bomb suddenly lands on my lap and blows at my face.
I know this little story that I have may not make much sense to everyone. What I do know is that, things don’t usually go as we plan them to, but rest-assured that God can surprise us in a way that nobody else can. Sometimes, things get truly hard, and we think that, maybe, it’s not the life for us. So we consider changing our ways for an easier path. But that’s not change, that’s escape. And my mom usually tells me that only cowards try to escape. It’s silly to admit, but she proves a point. And as for me, I nearly cowered. I almost did try to escape. But just when I was about to, God gives me this whisper in my ear telling me that I should keep trying.
What I’m trying to say is that, the paths we set off have dark roads that are rough. We can’t expect clean and bright pavements all the time. But just as long as there’s an inch of light somewhere ahead, you just have to muster all the courage in you to go on. Before I had my academic journey all clean and bright, and that made me ran through it so effortlessly. But right now, I realized that the journey is much better walking on the rough surface, even if that means I have to try my very hardest for each step that I make along the way.
via crimeoffashion:
We had a late lunch at Holy Cow after our classes. Yay for pretty ambiance!
We were wondering why the painting have horses on them. Shouldn’t it be cows? (hehe k)
I swear this mug is too big for just one person!
Of course, here’s some food porn!
Kath and Celeen with the birthday girl! Hihi
Hi Pam! ♥
With Pam, Kim and Donna. More food below! ;)
Group shot. :> Happy birthday again, Nicole! xx
Going Down Memory Lane »
